eto.....

i am to do.... what?
i have to complete this stupid termpaper and you know it. Still, i gotta sit there and socialise? whut.
thanks ah. seriously, thanks. (note the damn sacarsm)
can't you ask someone else to do it? no.... cos i'm the only one who's listening to you. and i can't say anything to anyone else... and i'm not supposed to let it affect my studies... *rolls eye*

sigh... kk.. sorry for being bitchy. i know it is only right that i do those stuff to help out and such. just airing my fustrations. i'm usually slightly stressed when deadlines are nearing and this just makes everything worse. eeps.
~MeHhz~

mou ichido?

why is it always on days i really need to work cos of deadlines?
and it's not like i can just say no and ignore.
my energy is getting stretched thin. seriously. so many expectations, so many to dos, so many things to prepare, so many duties as a human/person. i wonder if i'll just combust one day. maybe then you'll realise i'm not that strong after all.

you told me to not let it affect me, but isn't it too late? i'll survive, i'm sure. but just maybe, i might just discard certain expectations i have of myself and be a cold aloof bitch. stretched too thin, i'll just place myself and my wants above everything else and heck the world. let guilt eat me up and i'll just end up locking all emotions till i truly can deal with guilt guiltlessly.

I just wanna stop thinking and concentrate on my studies. I'm not even reading fan fictions or playing maple these day. the only source of entertainment i'm allowing myself is blog readings, facebook occasionally and that's it. things that used to be fun doesn't seem so anymore. even my mugging music, i no longer have the energy to find new songs, etc. instrumental 96.3 is all i use and 93.3 at times when 96.3 switches to french, german or tamil.

my concentration span is fluctuating continuously. Sometimes i can just sit for 3hours straight and mug, sometimes i can't even concentrate for 5mins. it's my final year and i serious wanna do well. or as well as my lousy cap can go. am i still not putting in enough effort? i guess. i need to push myself more. i'm being rather contradictory now, but who cares. it's my blog. i type what i like. don't like don't read. i'm being mean and bitchy now. but still i'm entitled to on my blog. blah.

sounds like emo shit these days~ but i AM tired. so very.
~MeHhz~

facing reality

Yet again, another revelation. Things are not always as it seems. People are not who you expect or thought them to be. People whom you look up to and respect can err. But I think I've rather lost my trust in certain things or expectations. Nothing is impossible, be it positive or negative. Never say you cannot do this or that a person will not do that. Everyone has a selfish side or bad side, or so I learnt today.
It's time to stop living in a fantasy world. I've to live my own life, put in effort for my for myself, and be who I want to be. No more drifting around day to day. Today, I think I've grown up a little. I might not like the reason for my 'growing up', but I know it's part and parcel of life. Time to depend fully on myself. Guide me please, father lord.
~MeHhz~

WED

So much for doing term paper during this one day public hol.
Woke up late after finally sleeping for 8hours.
BUT my parents say they wanna go out for lunch, since my bro's free as well.... Zzz... so 4hours burnt. Came home at 4pm and half a day wasted. Struggling to find journal articles. Hopefully i can finish by fri or sat. I'm gonna start panicking soon. And yet i'm still going out tmr night for dinner with longtimenosee friends and fri for eveline's bday. If i flunk this mod's term paper, i can only say SERVE ME RIGHT, for all the procrastination etc.
I'm trying my best, but it really hits me how NOT independent i've been these years. Step by step, i'll try harder. At least my FYP mod is not suffering. YET. Staring at the computer makes my eyes sooooo very tired. SIGH.
~MeHhz~

@#$^&*()

FUCK. don't pile this kind of responsibility on me.
it goes against all my values. and yet it seems wrong not to help you.
FUCK. i really don't need this kind of stuff at this period, esp this week.
either way, my actions will cause me guilt. which i seriously HATE to feel.
FUCK. why me.
~MeHhz~
*pardon my language, i'm tired and confused and pissed and guilty* SCREAMS

tired.....

Whee~ finished this week's FYP assignment early!
But i'm damn tired now and still gotta prepare for tmr's acc proj meeting.
Stupid printer is not functioning either, can't do accounting tutorial.
I just wanna SLEEP.... Zzzz...
oh! btw, i watched REAL STEEL with yw on sun. Awesome show!!! and my bro watched it in IMAX. lucky shit. haha.... thanks to yw who asked me out though! else i'll miss another nice movie. it's shuang to have friends staying in the east. save on travelling time, etc... and my parent's won't even know i went to watch movie cos i just told them i went out to study (which i DID after the show). too bad uni friends all live sooooo far away, i can't join them even if i want to.

*yawn* time to go pack bag, read (and do) acc proj and sleep...
~meHhz~

SUNDAY

The ONE thing i've been failing to achieve this semester: Sleep before 12mn.
Sigh. Everytime i try, i'll never get to bed by then. RAWR.
Anyway, wasted weekend. FYP assignment due wed, and for the first time, i'm 70% done already. All i need is another hour of concentration and i'm done. =) yay.
That's about all i completed for sat. GUILTY! cos i only spent 30mins doing that 70%.
Fri studied for about solid 2-3hours? and sunday same. thank goodness, else i'll really die this semester. Busy week coming up again, with acc proj, term paper, lab report, FYP ppt. All untouched as of now. thank god for the wed public hol.
Time to sleep. tmr gotta wash toilet again. Sigh...
~MeHhz~

weddings~

My aunt's bro just got married over the past weekend in malacca.
According to my mum (cos i didn't go), the groom's friends came in and danced in pairs before the bride and groom entered the dining ballroom. Awesome!! though i'm quite sure they copied glee's version of 'marry you'. Haha.... i showed my mum the glee vid and she said it's similar. The girls were even in red dresses too! Kinda 'copycat', but still it's real sweet!
Next cousin's wedding will be 20th nov, cool date, 20 11 2011. but that's the day before my first paper of finals. and i MUST attend that wedding, including the tea ceremony etc.... Oh well, really gotta prepare myself during the reading week.
MATLAB programing is fun!! haha... sort of... i still have lotsa stuff to figure out, but at least it's fun. but my other mods are dying. :X ohno~
~MeHhz~

♥ for セブルス～ haha.

Japanese version ♥
Koped it from a friend's blog. XD
~MeHhz~

finally

K, i was liar. Told my parents i'll be mugging on sunday, and yet i went to Ktv with my friends. Oops.. I trust u blog readers k? even those whom i don't know that u're reading my blog. In case any cousins or my bro ever stumbles upon this post. DON'T tell my parents or i'm TOTALLY dead meat. You pple won't EVER see me for ANY outings anymore. haha.

But it's been a super long time since i just sat down and listen to others spam chinese songs... i need to improve my chinese repertoire of songs... XD heard and learnt a few new ones today~ =) FINALLY went to K after quite awhile... but there goes my sunday for mugging. :X But still, thanks for asking me out for K! =) nice way to destress!

Back to work. Deadlines are approaching. RAWR~!!!
~MeHhz~

restless

Feeling down, restless, etc. It used to 'not hurt' so much, but these days i'm affected. I wonder why. What happend to the strong facade that used to filter off such stuff.
Rawr. Another useless weekend of doing nothing. I should go sleep instead.
~MeHhz~

laziness.

Inertia.
I totally don't feel like doing anything.
FYP assignment due tmr again, and i wasted the whole afternoon.
I realised i really quite enjoy doing such matlab codings. It's fun, but still i tend to procrastinate... so much so that even though i had alot of time to test and try and learn codes, i end up.... rushing through the bare minimum amount of coding just to ensure i have something 'for show' during the next meeting. tsk.
Laziness is the bane of my life. If only i'm not so lazy, i'll be able to complete so much more for my fyp. Matlab IS fun! But still i drag and drag.
Many times i've heard quotes like: you can't just sit there and wait for life to come to you, you gotta go and get it.
Bottomline is: Get moving and take hold of your future. Don't just sit there and bitch about life.
I know, but i'm not moving. ARGH!!! i get moving for a day or two, and then i pause and then inertia sets in again. TSK!
~MeHhz~

awesome piece.

Always and still will regret not putting in sufficient effort to improve my piano skills. Maybe when i start working, i'll have evenings to touch the keyboards and even pick up bass guitar like i always wanted. For now, emphasis is on studies, though i STILL do get sidetracked by internet. =.='' Still I do miss playing the piano as and when i want to.
~MeHhz~

again?

Midterm results are out! i scored 26 upon 30!!! good? I WISH.
The bloody average is 26.9 and median is 28. SIGH....
It's rather demoralizing how i tend to do badly for subjects that i really put in effort to mug for, and for those that i procrastinate, i pass with B- when i thought that i would fail or even get a D. It's so stressful being in uni, esp since i end up being the 'helpful' sort that pulls down the bell curve. Why do i always end up doing worse than i expected for subjects that i thought i'm fully prepared for? I know accounting was a challenging module to take cos of the competitiveness. But i thought as long as i did mug hard enough for it, it'll be fine. Still i guess this proves once more that i really am in the bottom percentage in NUS. Sucks. I kept giving myself excuses that i didn't work hard enough, or i never put in sufficient effort, hence my sucky results. But it's time i accepted that i'm not even everage in NUS afterall. Oh well, it just means i need to work harder to get an average score. :X

Pris bday dinner was on last sat dinner. Once again, i gotta leave for home b4 the 'celebration' was over. I wonder when i would even dare to step out of the protective circle my parents drew around me. For now, i'm respecting them cos i live on their money still. Not that i'll be ditching them once i start working, but i think if i do start working, knowing the fact that i can support myself would give me some sort of 'bravery' to stand up against my parents whenever they restrict me. :X

I've been realllllly envious of SEP friends, main reason being: NOT because they could travel around or make more friends or experience new cultures, but because they had the freedom i've always wanted. A chance to live by myself, to not worry about buying dinner home, about doing things b4 my mum starts nagging, about the guilt there if i ever do something i know my parents won't agree. Given the chance, i'ld really like to work overseas for a period of time. Maybe then, i would appreciate my family more and not feel so caged up or restrained. Sometimes i really get sick of their attitudes. On one side, i get so scared and 'on my toes' when my dad's temper flare up and it totally affects the whole family. On the other side, i get so guilty or get so piled up with responsibilty when my mum gets affected by the blunt words we accidentally use when she nags too much, or when she's feeling down due to various reasons. And then again, i really feel like i'm an irritant or pest whenever i'm facing my bro. I mean, do you really have to flinch as if i've some incurable disease when i accidentally bump into you? or talk 'down' to me whenever we're conversing?

Sometimes i really do wonder if it's me who's in the wrong. Am i really being too sensitive, too childish and too unappreciative? Is it wrong to yearn for trust or actions of concern, rather than an expensive present so show care? I'm probably expecting too much. Rather than complaining, i should slowly change my views, learn to accept things as they are, and live on looking towards the future.

Friends around me are all so capable, so sure of themselves, and so confident. Slowly, give me time, and i'll try to gain more confidence and be more comfortable in my own skin. I'm trying my best.
~MeHhz~

YAAWWWNN~

So much for wanting to blog. I'VE NO TIME!
K, that's probably cos i procrastinate so much. Hectic week, rushing midterms last sat, then there's japanese hw plus vocab on mon, accounting tutorials on tues, fyp assignment on wed, japanese midterms thurs (tmr), and fri i can finally start mugging. but i think i'll be soooo tired by then. SIGH.
Kinda scared of tmr's midterms. I'm more nervous for japanese midterms than accounting. Weird right? Especially since i've learnt japanese b4. BUT that's the reason why i can't figure out what i know and what i don't know. The weekly spelling quizzes have been TERRIBLE for me, scoring 6-7 upon 10. *Shudders* i just hope i can scrape an A. =(
AHHHHHHHHHHHH.... work piling up. More assignments for fyp after my meeting today. there goes my weekend once again. I so wanna bitch about life and other stuff, but there's no time. I should continue mugging japanese midterms now. yaawwwwnnnnnnnnn~
Despite the complains about lack of time, slacker me still went to watch blast concert. but t'was worth it i think. i hope. as long as i don't flunk my midterms tmr.
~MeHhz~

time

It's weird how thoughts always occupy my mind and i'll tell myself to blog it later, but when i sit down to type it out, i can't think of anything to type. Or rather, the thoughts are all so jumbled, i dunno how to start.
oh well, no time to blog tonight. Shall do it tmr. busy week again. i'm kinda dreading fyp meetings these days cos i don't feel like programming stuff. :X i REALLY need to learn to manage my time better. =(
To Dos for this week:
-fyp (wed)
-3162 part1 notes
-read 3162 part2
-acc tutorial (tues)
-mug for Japanese midterms (thurs)
-TIME TO START ON 3242 on FRI.

i wanna bitch about restrictions again. but should probably go to bed instead. shall bitch about it when i'm free tmr night.
~MeHhz~