again?

Midterm results are out! i scored 26 upon 30!!! good? I WISH.
The bloody average is 26.9 and median is 28. SIGH....
It's rather demoralizing how i tend to do badly for subjects that i really put in effort to mug for, and for those that i procrastinate, i pass with B- when i thought that i would fail or even get a D. It's so stressful being in uni, esp since i end up being the 'helpful' sort that pulls down the bell curve. Why do i always end up doing worse than i expected for subjects that i thought i'm fully prepared for? I know accounting was a challenging module to take cos of the competitiveness. But i thought as long as i did mug hard enough for it, it'll be fine. Still i guess this proves once more that i really am in the bottom percentage in NUS. Sucks. I kept giving myself excuses that i didn't work hard enough, or i never put in sufficient effort, hence my sucky results. But it's time i accepted that i'm not even everage in NUS afterall. Oh well, it just means i need to work harder to get an average score. :X

Pris bday dinner was on last sat dinner. Once again, i gotta leave for home b4 the 'celebration' was over. I wonder when i would even dare to step out of the protective circle my parents drew around me. For now, i'm respecting them cos i live on their money still. Not that i'll be ditching them once i start working, but i think if i do start working, knowing the fact that i can support myself would give me some sort of 'bravery' to stand up against my parents whenever they restrict me. :X

I've been realllllly envious of SEP friends, main reason being: NOT because they could travel around or make more friends or experience new cultures, but because they had the freedom i've always wanted. A chance to live by myself, to not worry about buying dinner home, about doing things b4 my mum starts nagging, about the guilt there if i ever do something i know my parents won't agree. Given the chance, i'ld really like to work overseas for a period of time. Maybe then, i would appreciate my family more and not feel so caged up or restrained. Sometimes i really get sick of their attitudes. On one side, i get so scared and 'on my toes' when my dad's temper flare up and it totally affects the whole family. On the other side, i get so guilty or get so piled up with responsibilty when my mum gets affected by the blunt words we accidentally use when she nags too much, or when she's feeling down due to various reasons. And then again, i really feel like i'm an irritant or pest whenever i'm facing my bro. I mean, do you really have to flinch as if i've some incurable disease when i accidentally bump into you? or talk 'down' to me whenever we're conversing?

Sometimes i really do wonder if it's me who's in the wrong. Am i really being too sensitive, too childish and too unappreciative? Is it wrong to yearn for trust or actions of concern, rather than an expensive present so show care? I'm probably expecting too much. Rather than complaining, i should slowly change my views, learn to accept things as they are, and live on looking towards the future.

Friends around me are all so capable, so sure of themselves, and so confident. Slowly, give me time, and i'll try to gain more confidence and be more comfortable in my own skin. I'm trying my best.
~MeHhz~